We are reeling at the word from P.'s co-worker that H's new foster mom is "furious with you for keeping the boys apart. She says she's going to get F. and adopt them both!"
WHAT?!
Here's what has transpired between us since H. moved in with her:
on 11/9 H. moved in.
11/11 saw H. at the soccer season final game. He was happy, already calling foster mom "Mom".
on 11/15 or 16 H. called and talked with everyone. Some tears from him, but we did our best to reassure him that we would always love him and that he wasn't going to lose his family.
on 11/23 Thanksgiving morning his foster mom called and said H. was doing great and the school did 'some kind of testing and wanted to put him in first grade' and they have another little boy, three years old, now and he and H. are doing great together. I reminded her that we thought a placement by himself was what he really needed and that she needs to be vigilant and make sure H. does not act out with the new boy like he did with F.
Monday night 11/27 -phone message from foster mom: Please call soon as H. is not doing well. Called immediately and arranged a visit on Tuesday after school at a playground between their home and ours.
Tuesday 11/28 - We arrived first at the playground.The children were all excited to see him, but within minutes F., who has been nearly accident-free with his potty training since H. left , approached me and said he had pooped his pants. His other accidents thus far have been wet pants, not a bowel movement. I believe this is a result of his anxiety at seeing H. again. I got him cleaned up and reassured him that he is safe with us and he doesn't need to worry about anyone hurting him.
H. arrived and was greeted happily by all the children, including F. We also met his new foster brother. I talked briefly with the foster parents at that point but trying to keep F. & H. in sight was too distracting and I left the table to get a better view. When P. arrived I was able to talk to foster mom more.
First, she was excited that they had to go buy a crib and changing table this past weekend as they are getting a baby placed with them today.
Kim reports H. (she calls him 'Chipmunk') is doing very well in school and his new teacher is not seeing any of the problems (lack of focus, inattentiveness, need for directions to be repeated many times) his old teacher saw. There has been a discussion about moving him on to first grade, but they thought that with the recent change in home & school he should just stay in kindergarten this year. Oh and she sees "no sign of any ADHD and doesn't think he needs to see the doctor for anything."
Also the 3 year old goes to H.'s old daycare and they remembered him of course and called him "Junior". She said he corrected them and said "My name is H.". Good for him! The daycare "had lots of questions about F. and why aren't they together."
She said he got off the school bus yesterday and was weepy and told her, " I miss my brother and sisters" and was questioning why he had to leave us, crying and "going crazy".
Yea, well, he's only been there 2 1/2 weeks and now there's 2 other children in the picture!!!! DUH! If she thinks visits with us is going to be the cure-all she's wrong. Later in the visit she confided that they want to adopt him, but they think at his age it will be hard for him to change his name. I explained that we planned to change the other children's last name, but told them they could certainly keep their birth mother's surname as part of their name if they wanted to. She then said, "No, we want him to be Michael Dylan or Dylan Michael."
(DEAD SILENCE HERE.....................................................................................................................)
I explained that his identity is in being H. and that's who he will always be to his brothers and sisters. She said that when she asked him, he said he would be Michael Dylan H. SHE ASKED HIM?!
She didn't have a reason for the name change and, honestly, if she had said "I've just always wanted a child named Michael Dylan" I think I would have vomited on the spot.
H. & F. spent the most time together of all the children--their play was often rough, with H. grabbing and wrestling F., and P. and I intervening to remind H. that we didn't allow that. They also fell right into saying "Baby" to each other repeatedly in their old way.
Foster parents said they think the kids deserve to be together on Christmas or Christmas eve. We said near to Christmas is great but as we're busy with church services and creating Christmas for 6 kids, how about during the week before? They will be out of town. So we settled on the 26th.
12/6 - Heard from our worker that foster mom told the children's new worker (#13 for the girls) that she has left messages for us and we are not returning her calls. I checked the caller ID--showing 11/27 as last call from foster mom. I asked the children-no one took any calls from H.'s new mom. WTF?!
12/8 -called foster mom and explained that there were no messages left at our number and that there is no record on the caller ID of her calling when she said she did. She thought maybe she called my cell phone. (I almost laughed out loud! Only 8 people on the planet have that number, and 4 of them are my older children.) No, no missed calls or voice mail there.
Hmmmm. Can you say "LIAR"? She got vague about messing up the number and changed the subject.
Thinks H. needs to see F. next week. He is having problems in school, getting into trouble for bullying behavior and she's worried that he's been fighting with the 3-year-old. She says he keeps asking why he can't live with Fermin and she thinks it is wrong that they are apart. She's hoping they can at least have F. sleep over a night. WTF!!?? I told her that will not happen, that cannot happen. F. is doing well and needs to learn healthy boundaries as far as H. is concerned. We're not there yet and won't be for a while.
Well, next week doesn't work for us. Let's get together on the 26th, but we'll callH. tonight. No tonight they won't be home-going to see the Christmas lights. Saturday night? Nope--out again. Sunday night? Ok.
12/10 Children call H. and get answering machine. I have E. (H.'s sister) leave a message.
12/12 Foster parents call. Sorry-foster mom was at the hospital all night 'last night' with sick baby and missed our call. Hmmmm. Where was foster dad and H. on SUNDAY night?
All the children talked. H. had lots to say to his sisters, then spoke to older brothers, then with his foster mom whispering "F., ask for F." in his ear he finally asked to speak to F. Very brief. F. told him "I'm going to put you in the garbage can!" and passed the phone to J.
He ended up talking to P. and asking " Why can't you take care of me?" which P. lovingly answered, all the while knowing foster parents were listening in.
Which brings us to today. 12/13 (only I've been awake most of the night steaming and stewing and now it is 12/14.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Saturday, November 11, 2006
A Failure of Imagination
There's a beautiful print hanging in our pediatrician's office with this quotation
"In my dream, the angel shrugged and said, If we fail this time, it will be a failure of the imagination, and she gently placed the world in the palm of my hand."
Failure of the Imagination keeps running through my head, two days after we delivered H. to his new foster family.
We've struggled for months to reach him, to gain a sense of how best to help him realize and then remember right from wrong. We have come finally to the painful realization that his behaviors pose a danger to the other young children in our home, and while we've managed to maintain their safety thus far, the risk is too great without the promise of answers and strategies in the near future.
We have cried and begged the system to get him the testing and services he deserves, only to be denied a neuropsych. evaluation by the state. The testing we've arranged on our own has shown severe deficits in short-term memory and understanding of spoken language. Which explains why he continues to act out as he does, feels genuinely sorry when corrected and then does it again.
We've asked for respite care, so we could sleep well and think through this and we've been denied.
We asked for help transporting H. to the many therapist and psychologist appointments one to two and a half hours away from our home and we've been denied.
We've begged for some help in finding a way to keep him our son, and we've been told "you're on your own."
just a failure of imagination
He also now has a diagnosis of ADHD and a possible seizure disorder to be explored. We've gained him a referral for special education testing, again fighting the system in the form of his own social worker who was, she told the special education team, "content to wait for the neuropsych. we're still working on getting."
I keep comforting myself that we did accomplish a lot of forward movement for him in 6 short months.
He has our hearts, but he needs a placement where he can be the only focus and his many needs can be met. And we need to live in house without video monitors and the constant fear that we'll miss something. We need some normalcy for the six other children in our care.
We've met these new parents and we were at peace--he will settle in quickly and adapt well I think. The mom brought him to his final soccer game today so he could get his trophy and see his team and us. Great!
Then she told me her plans to enroll in in the same private school where Foster Mother From Hell teaches and that passed him through kindergarten last year with flying colors! I told her all I know about this toxic woman and I began to wonder if she thinks I'm CRAZY!
I feel sick.
"In my dream, the angel shrugged and said, If we fail this time, it will be a failure of the imagination, and she gently placed the world in the palm of my hand."
Failure of the Imagination keeps running through my head, two days after we delivered H. to his new foster family.
We've struggled for months to reach him, to gain a sense of how best to help him realize and then remember right from wrong. We have come finally to the painful realization that his behaviors pose a danger to the other young children in our home, and while we've managed to maintain their safety thus far, the risk is too great without the promise of answers and strategies in the near future.
We have cried and begged the system to get him the testing and services he deserves, only to be denied a neuropsych. evaluation by the state. The testing we've arranged on our own has shown severe deficits in short-term memory and understanding of spoken language. Which explains why he continues to act out as he does, feels genuinely sorry when corrected and then does it again.
We've asked for respite care, so we could sleep well and think through this and we've been denied.
We asked for help transporting H. to the many therapist and psychologist appointments one to two and a half hours away from our home and we've been denied.
We've begged for some help in finding a way to keep him our son, and we've been told "you're on your own."
just a failure of imagination
He also now has a diagnosis of ADHD and a possible seizure disorder to be explored. We've gained him a referral for special education testing, again fighting the system in the form of his own social worker who was, she told the special education team, "content to wait for the neuropsych. we're still working on getting."
I keep comforting myself that we did accomplish a lot of forward movement for him in 6 short months.
He has our hearts, but he needs a placement where he can be the only focus and his many needs can be met. And we need to live in house without video monitors and the constant fear that we'll miss something. We need some normalcy for the six other children in our care.
We've met these new parents and we were at peace--he will settle in quickly and adapt well I think. The mom brought him to his final soccer game today so he could get his trophy and see his team and us. Great!
Then she told me her plans to enroll in in the same private school where Foster Mother From Hell teaches and that passed him through kindergarten last year with flying colors! I told her all I know about this toxic woman and I began to wonder if she thinks I'm CRAZY!
I feel sick.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Meme
The first two people to respond to this post, will get some form of art, by me, about them. I make no guarantees about quality or type, but I will assure that I will give it good effort. The art will be individual to you, so if you get a mixed CD, an acrostic short story, or some sort of painting doodle, yours is the only one like it.The only catch, of course; as with most memes, if you sign up, you have to put this in your own journal as well.
Warning: you may get something really strange out of this...so..be prepared.
Warning: you may get something really strange out of this...so..be prepared.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Screaming 'UNCLE' !!!
Today, nine days before the next "final court hearing", an Uncle to the boys appeared at Family Services with a translator.
He had 'a long-distance call' from the mother (deported a year ago--now, we know, living about 20 minutes away from us-DUH!). She wants him to fight for all the children.
So here he is, asking for assistance in filing for guardianship. We're starting to feel like the punchline to a very long, bad joke.
He had 'a long-distance call' from the mother (deported a year ago--now, we know, living about 20 minutes away from us-DUH!). She wants him to fight for all the children.
So here he is, asking for assistance in filing for guardianship. We're starting to feel like the punchline to a very long, bad joke.
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